PLEASE ANSWER THE SURVEY QUESTIONS LISTED BELOW WHEN EMAILING US YOUR ESSAY. SIMPLY CUT AND PASTE THE QUESTIONS INTO YOUR EMAIL AND SEND TO: CONTACT@TOHAVEORHAVENOT.COM.
- 1. Age.
- 2. State and Country of Residence.
- 3. Marital Status (please indicate all that apply):
- Single
- Engaged
- Married
- Separated
- Divorced
- 4. If married or previously married, state how long.
- 5. How many children, if any?
- 6. If applicable, how many times were you married?
- 7. If applicable, how many times were you divorced?
- 8. During your marriage, whether current or past, how would you define your intimacy level?
- Daily
- Weekly
- Monthly
- Rarely
- None
- 9. Would you get married again?
- Yes
- No
- Maybe
PLEASE EMAIL US YOUR ANSWERS TO THE ABOVE QUESTIONS, ALONG WITH YOUR ESSAY OF UP TO 800 WORDS, BY TYPING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EMAIL OR VIA EMAIL ATTACHMENT. IT'S PERFECTLY ACCEPTABLE IF YOUR ESSAY IS UNDER 800 WORDS. MULTIPLE ESSAYS ARE ENCOURAGED. BELOW, YOU WILL FIND SAMPLE ESSAYS WHICH WE HOPE YOU WILL FIND HELPFUL. WE LOOK FORWARD TO RECEIVING YOUR SUBMISSIONS.
SAMPLES
Sometimes I think about my marriage vows and wonder why I would stay in a marriage where I am repeatedly hurt. “Till death do us part” is more than I think I will be able to handle. The problem is I constantly suspect my husband of cheating. He admitted to one affair early in our twenty-five year marriage and states emphatically that he hasn’t had others. But, I see the way he interacts with women and I can’t help but think that he’s lying. He’s the biggest flirt I have ever seen and I know a lot of it is innocent, but his smile and his eyes seem to attract every single woman who crosses his path and, of course, his ego loves it. He really tries his best when we’re together, averting his eyes from other women as often as he can because he knows it upsets me. He’s extremely attentive to me, “honey” this and “sweetie” that. He cooks for me almost every night, shops with me, cleans for me, but I think he’s hiding his true self behind the acts of love that he performs. Almost as if he’s trying to throw me off his trail and make me feel crazy to think that there would be anyone else in his life. But I have to trust my instincts and they are screaming at me on a daily basis.
I hate to admit that I check his phone and go through his pockets on the rare occasions that I do the laundry. I hate to admit that I have found a phone number which pops up every so often that I know belongs to a woman who works in his corporation and who he has no reason to be speaking to on a professional basis since they work in different areas. I hate to admit that I ask my friends to let me know if they see him talking with any women when he’s out without me, and I hate to admit that my jealousy has reached the point where I often don’t even recognize myself since my behavior is so out-of-control. I am constantly questioning him, I try to make sure I am with him at all times when we are not working, I insisted that we become more actively involved with our church, and I have thrown whatever free days we have into other activities such as dancing lessons and working out together at the gym. Both have seemed to backfire because everywhere we go, we’re surrounded by skinny, big-busted women wearing tight and revealing clothing. I used to be like that, but after two kids and fighting depression throughout this marriage, I’m chunky and therefore always hiding my body behind loose and conservative clothing.
So I ask myself, what is it exactly that I’m holding onto so hard? Why do I want to continue to torture myself with doubts and insecurities? And yet, I don’t want to let go. He’s everything I’ve always wanted in a man, handsome, sexy, full of life, and attentive, but I just don’t trust him and trust is one of the most important ingredients of a successful marriage. I don’t have any answers and I guess I’ll continue to fight until I no longer can. I just wish I could be all that he’s ever wanted in a woman.
***************************************
I have been married for ten years. We have two children, eight and six years old. Our marriage was very easy until we had children. After our first son was born, I found it hard to balance my time with the baby and the time with my husband. He loves our children, but he thinks I love the children too much, or should I say, more than I love him. He is jealous of the time I spend with my kids. If I am on the floor wrestling with them when he walks in the door, he just stands there waiting for me to acknowledge him and give him a kiss. It disgusts me that this is what I have to do to keep my family intact.
We do all spend time together on Sundays doing things as a family, but that’s it! My husband believes that I should focus all my attention on him the minute he walks through the door from work. After all, he’s the breadwinner! I know marriage takes work, but what’s a woman to do when it seems like drudgework. Naturally, I want to hear about his day and cuddle with him at the end of the day when the kids are asleep, but before they’re asleep there is still too much to do. My children are feeling the absence of their father’s acceptance too.
I’m beginning to feel resentful of the pressure he is putting on me, and his controlling ways. I don’t believe I should have to behave a certain way when he walks through the door that is different than before he walked through the door. I sometimes think of leaving, but I want my children to grow up in an intact family. I just want to be able to show my children the love they deserve without feeling like a scorecard is being kept. I’ve spoken to my husband about this, but nothing seems to change. I sometimes ask myself, am I doing more damage by staying or if I left? I just don’t know.
CONTEST WINNERS AND RUNNERS-UP
First Place
I have been married twice. I married my first husband when I was young and all my friends were getting married. The marriage produced two children, but the marriage had big problems. I filed for divorce after six years. Several years later, I married the man of my dreams, but this marriage too has turned to shit. Being married with children from a previous marriage has more problems than one can ever imagine. More problems than there are solutions. We have been trying to figure it out, but it is inevitable. We will not be staying married.
As I reflect on my life and my choices, I realize that as a woman, I have a hard time putting a man before my children. I have a hard time compromising on issues that I don’t believe should be compromised. The truth is I should have never remarried while my children were growing up. My marriage has been about making compromises to keep peace in my marriage and it has left me angry. We have different morals and backgrounds. He can be rigid, critical, disciplined and unyielding while I am more easygoing, positive and have a more let children be attitude. It hasn’t worked well for us. We do not complement one another.
Thinking seriously about my future, I don’t think I would ever remarry again. I feel it is too stifling. I can never, and will never, allow a man to try to control me in any way and I do believe that many of us are controlled to some degree by our spouses. We may not be cognizant of it, but it’s there just like a disease. We’re able to see it when it’s happening to someone else, but it’s hard to look in our own mirror because then we may have to do something about it. We may have to admit aloud that we are unhappy and where would that leave our children and us. Let’s face it, we women put up with a lot of shit for our children. We want them to have the best (a mother and father that are together) and be the best, and yes, even in this day and age we believe it to be the two-parent intact family. We have sex when we’re disgusted and repulsed and we act happy even when we’re so depressed we don’t want to get out of bed. We do it for the children! Is it smart? Is it healthy? The answer lies in each of us. I for one will be reclaiming my life before it’s too late.
Second Place
I have been married for fourteen years and have three kids. I knew it wasn't right when we married, but I loved him enough to walk down the aisle. He's a really good man and a fantastic father. The problem is sex. It feels like a chore and I just don’t enjoy it. I don't want to feel this way and I have tried rationalizing to myself that it doesn’t really matter; it’s just a small part of a relationship. After all, we have fun and we’re close, but I just can’t imagine spending the rest of my life having sex with him.
I have searched my soul and I guess the truth is that I love him, but I’m not in love with him. It’s all so confusing because I know that relationships can’t be based solely on sexual compatibility, but they cannot be based on the absence of sex either. Sexual intimacy is a key factor in the emotional connection with a spouse. So many things in life are trade-offs, and now I find that I’m in a situation once again where I have to decide what’s more important to me - keeping my family together as a unit or following my heart and soul and ending it before I become resentful and bitter or, even worse, act out. I wish I knew the right answer because there are so many other lives that will be affected by my decision. If only he would have an affair and take the burden of making this decision off of me. No one said marriage was going to be easy. But come to think of it, no one really told me anything about marriage at all.
Third Place
Do you hate the sound of the garage door opening? I do. There is nothing more disturbing than the moaning and creaking of the garage door opening every evening around dinner time.
This is the time of day that my husband will come home and you never know who is going to walk in through that door. Will it be Dr. Jekyll or Mr. Hyde? I do not fret too much for this answer because I will know generally within 30 seconds!!! I have a 50/50 shot here so I always try to be upbeat and patiently wait for the "nice" guy to come. I usually spend the rest of the evening waiting and waiting.
There are many other noises I have come to hate in my marriage. Such as the noises he can make while eating dinner (OMG, this drives me insane). Then there are the farting noises, which seem to be anytime and anywhere!!!!! No regard for anyone with this one!! I also hate the sound of his breathing while watching TV or sleeping. How can one person make so much noise???
The snoring, breathing, farting, belching, walking, sneezing, eating (soup is the worst!!!!), and don't forget about the speaking and the questioning of the day? Does he really care what I did all day or does he just have to keep on talking to hear himself? After being married for 22 years, I think it would be ideal to be able to switch your hearing on and off. I would spend most of my nights deaf and at complete peace. I'm pretty sure most of you would agree.
First Runner-Up
I’m beginning to believe men are superior. Crap, they have had us towing the line for how long now? I love you, therefore you must do everything I tell you and don’t screw anyone else or I’ll kill you. Hmmm, quite a compelling argument don’t you think?
No, that can’t be true, surely I am mistaken. And yet, off he goes to work at 7:00 a.m., happy as a clam to be with the guys painting houses all day. He comes home exhausted and goes to the gym and then comes home more exhausted. Who is he getting in shape for anyway? It sure as hell isn’t me. He never so much as pinches my ass anymore.
He completely misses the deep sadness behind my eyes and my distinct lack of animation towards him. He is just glad I leave him alone. I have to finally admit that truth. I can’t keep pretending when he leaves so early and comes home so uninterested, that it isn’t because he doesn’t love me.
It’s bloody ridiculous for me to keep making excuses for this husband with a secret life! Why should I take his feelings into consideration when he can’t take my emotional and sexual love for him into consideration? I don’t have to, it’s better not to, and what’s good for the goose is good for the gander.
I will stop putting what he may or may not want or like ahead of what I want. He only thinks of himself so why shouldn’t I? It’s not what I had in mind for us, but then he changed that plan without telling me.
Second Runner-Up
I have been married for more than a decade and our marriage was chosen out of love, but somehow I feel so lost. Did I really know what was right for me? My marriage is a SHAM; it has not been fulfilling or gratifying and it has left me wondering if a guy who is boring, financially stable and not a romantic could be the right, practical choice instead of the man I chose.
As for our love, I have started to believe we both love to think that we are in love. This thinking does not allow me the ability to break this marriage with all its pitfalls. I am too scared to step out of this marriage as I have no one else to share my life. He is the focal point of my life. I have shut everyone off by sharing things with him and only him. I am the only one who shares the day-to-day life; he just listens and nods attentively, but it’s not enough for me. I want him to share and talk, but he is not ready to share.
The other thoughts that keep popping up are, what will happen to him if I break away and what will happen to my kids? So many thoughts, but no answers.
When we got married, he had his career issues, though there have been a few years when things looked up for his career, but I became the main provider and continue to do so. He continues to experiment with his life and chase his dreams. The burden of his dreams is always the money and time and, to add to it all, he is a spendthrift, which has left us with very little. This has really become a regular focal point of our fights. Month after month, I see big credit card statements and even bigger promises to pay-off all the money. We fight on a weekly basis. He is a financial burden. In all discussions, he says all the right things, then goes back to doing the same old things. If immediately confronted, he gets aggressive, though he has never ever been physically or verbally abusive.
I know that he loves me...cares for me...loves to spoil me...has given me freedom, and I have reciprocated the same, but we are still not even on the same level. Our sex life has turned bad; rather, as per the definition, we lead a non-sexual life. I have always taken care of his needs and I have been the way he wanted me to be in bed. He’s always had issues with his sex life and despite my being patient and supportive, he hasn’t gone for any professional help. He prefers porn to me, which gets to me at times. He works a menial job, which keeps him away from home till midnight. We have less and less to talk about and more and more bitterness from our fights.
I am very disillusioned in my marriage. I can’t seek advice because I can’t talk about these issues with anyone. We do feel love for each other, but I just don’t know. Is love sufficient or do you need more? Am I being too demanding or controlling, or is it that he is not ready to work for our marriage? I don’t want to spend the next ten years getting older and bitter. I wish I knew what to do.
Third Runner-Up
Let me just start with the fairytales. As a child, I dreamt of marrying my "Prince Charming.” I envisioned him riding in on a white horse, sweeping me off my feet and living happily ever after. What no one ever told me is that there is NO SUCH THING!! Don't get me wrong, I love my husband dearly, but "Prince Charming" he is not! It seems that before we were married he held all the doors open for me, made sure I was comfortable at all times and made me feel special. After we were married, well basically, it was more like "you're on your own sister"! Picking up after him constantly, washing his clothes, making dinner and feeling under appreciated. Sometimes I feel like signing on that dotted line signed me up to instantly be the mother of an adult male rather than someone's wife. He does absolutely no kind of cleaning. He is extremely messy and hard to live with sometimes. It came to light very early in the game that he and neat were never friends! Then along came the kids. For me, they were the ones that were important. The kids were the priority for both of us, actually. As they are getting older now and can do for themselves, my husband and I are starting to have more time for each other. Miraculously, we are also starting to find that spark once again.
A myth would be that women should make sure they keep their husbands happy so they don't stray. "If they’re happy at home, then they won’t look elsewhere.” Okay, maybe there is truth there, but you know what it should be? “Keep your spouse happy" because I feel it goes both ways. I believe the woman, especially the mother, is what makes the home what it is. If the woman isn't happy, no one is happy. I believe that 100 percent.